Sometimes I have moments where I re-think my actions and what I say and in conversations and while I’m out in the sun and when I’m running from the rain… I re-think and re-analyze and come to the conclusion that I should have done something different. The perfectionist in me takes over and my observer-self is at it again… “wrong wrong wrong”, “flaw flaw flaw”. I just feel I’m not good enough and that I don’t deserve good things… I am over-priviliged and undeserving. Particular people in my life especially, are not perfect, but close enough. And I’m just making mistakes. There’s half of me telling myself that it’s all lies; I need to be level-headed and accept that the day is done and make peace with it. The other half of me is nit-picking imperfections and magnifying the darkness; just not good enough and you’ll never be what God/yourself envisions. Step by step, let’s get there! Can’t wait to talk to S again… I need my perspective to be shifted again. One day at a time! Just breathe…
how do i stop growing up this isn’t fun anymore
remember there is a spider that can spin a web thick enough to stop a train, and scientists have figured out how to record our dreams so we can re watch them. u probably have a couple of mongolian war lord atoms in u and a hummingbird can recall every single flower it has visited. there is so much to know and find out if we keep on living. u can do it friends :)
decisions and many sighs
if worse came to worst i would love to rent a house/unit alone. though i’d much prefer not to rent (because rent money is dead money), i may end up not having an option.
everything I thought I was sure of
your respect for me, makes me want to respect myself. to be kind to myself. to be patient when I make a mistake. to laugh when I allow my quirky traits to bubble to the surface. to look at myself as a person of worth, of value. to know deeply and truly, that there is a God who looks at me with glistening eyes… “This is my daughter, whom I love. Dearly.”
I have been reflecting over the last two years and finding behavioural patterns and how that has affected my actions. Tonight, I have dwelled on the thought of community and missing so much the comfort of communion with others and bearing together and laughing and singing together. Tonight I wondered where I belong. And just moments ago, I had a sort of “vision” where God said “You belong right here with Me.” And He had little-me in His hands, right near His heart. There is a raging war going on in my mind and my body. Every internal part of me longs to be in church or at least around people who speak with that kind of wisdom and my mind/body is telling me I belong nowhere and would HATE to get in a situation where I may feel vulnerable or threatened. It’s a terrible feeling. Survive or surrender? That is the question.
"You’re already a disappointment, you may as well continue. Or make it worse. Same thing, really."
Think about it.
It’s only logical to believe that there is reason for my life. 1, I woke up today. 2, thoughts of suicide has only ever been thoughts. Being useless at home could almost count as not being alive because I contribute nothing to society, but I am still breathing so there HAS to be something to that right? I feel like there are signs everywhere to remind me. And people say so many things. But there are moments where nothing sinks in. I may as well be dead than waste space. But no. There is purpose. And my God does NOT abandon. And I am capable because He is here! All I have to do, is start. Start walking. Stand up and start walking. My question is always “how?” and “where?”. In the back of my mind, I know. I know where I need to be. All these excuses linger above me like a saw, ready to cut me in half. Too many thoughts. I just need to let it all go. I need to remember. I need to remember. Breathe. Just breathe.