I’m trying to trust these words but they are not enough for me. Maybe one day I’ll find that I have let go without noticing. But until then, unless someone proves their words through action, no one is allowed in my space. No one is allowed here, anymore.
Doesn’t anyone else worry about at least one person in your life that is hurting and relying on various foreign substances for comfort? Doesn’t your heart break just thinking about the risk? It’s someone’s life on the line. And the people that surround them are letting them fall deeper into an abyss… isn’t anyone else worried that if you turned your phone off for just a few hours you might miss their last message for help or goodbye? Life is too short to live miserably but it’s too short to be bitter. But I am falling apart at the seams for you and I can’t stop thinking. That night, I fell to my knees for you in a blind rage of confusion and despair. But you are strong. You need to realise that. Your name is my prayer. I’ve removed my door from its hinges. If only you knew what that truly meant…
It’s scary when he realises you’re ticklish because he could attack you at any moment and your hands are raised and you say “I don’t trust you” while also laughing and breathless and he says he won’t do anything and you’re so darn hesitant but his hands are sure and then it’s alright for a while until he does it again while watching a horror movie and what makes up for it is when he screams as a scary face appears on the screen and I laugh so hard it’s so much fun
Someone comes along and teaches you what you want. And then what you really don’t want. It just depends if you’re willing to learn.
See, I can’t be bothered listening to explanations over and over again. I don’t want to speak about how or why I think or feel a certain way. I’m done with reasons for now.
Being alive is an amazing thing. Feeling the rush of the wind. Hearing the waves crash against the shore. Watching your 4 year old sibling put complex sentences together. Standing beside someone who appreciates you. Laughing until your sides hurt. Getting butterflies from a certain memory or smell. Triggers. How sobering life can be! It’s wonderful. Thank You.
You walked me to my door. You don’t know how nice that is, but I do.
I don’t mind starting over, if that means I can start with you.
Don’t wait on another boy to tell you you’re amazing and that you look pretty in that dress. Don’t believe him when he says he misses your touch. Don’t put your heart out on the line when you know he’s looking for something else. Do be patient. Do be honest. Do laugh and smile and be polite. But don’t ever let that boy control you in anyway, shape or form. You can say no. You can also say yes. But make sure that those words are your complete own; that they do not come from another’s persuasion. Let me tell you darling: you are so beautiful, without that boy by your side. You are strong. You are capable. You will heal. Never forget that.
I know I’m very fortunate and I have been blessed abundantly. But just give me this moment to say, that no one really tells you how difficult it can be. How you have days or weeks that screw with your mind and break your heart 500 times. They don’t (always) tell you how to budget and where to buy food and how to get good value for money. They don’t tell you how to stand tall or how to properly hold your tongue when you’re in the presence of someone who “owns” you. They don’t tell you that only very few will be worth your trust; the rest are only there for selfish gain. They don’t tell you how to fix your hair or keep those certain topics from conversation on your first, real date. No one tells you that those moments in-between the fun, are moments you wished you never experienced the way wine is sweet or how Vodka burns. How your eyes become blurry tunnels for people you “like” for one night. No one ever admits that we’re all looking for something greater. Something lighter to keep us grounded. A pinpoint to slow us down when everything is moving too fast. A focal point to keep our minds from getting dizzy or our bodies feeling faint. No one says it aloud, but I know that we are desperate for a better way out. A love that never fails. In this world, nothing is ever perfect. I guess I’m learning that my expectations mean nothing when there is a Mighty God in control of it all. Whether I’m in a state of complete peace or if I’m in a state of complete chaos and doubt - He is still perfect. He is the one I can trust. He is the strength I should lean on. Always.