Hello darling!

The world is feeding the lost sheep lies!!! God does exist, and He loves you so immensely. You can relate to Him because He came down from heaven and was made man! Jesus walked this Earth, suffered in very similar ways we suffer today. He knows pain. He knows what it is to be homeless. He knows what it feels like to be ridiculed. He knows what it’s like to have your trust betrayed. He knows what it’s like to be whipped and beaten. He knows what it’s like to have expectations so much more - though God could do all those things and more. He knows what it’s like to ask in prayer for “this cup to pass”, but how it can be terrifying to walk into God’s will. God knows what it’s like to give up and sacrifice His son. To lose His one and only son - FOR US! God is not distant. He is right here with us. God desires your hearts to be after His! It breaks my heart that there are people who live, searching for the meaning of life, when the answer is so simple. It’s not just about following rules and regulations. It’s about being TRANSFORMED by the grace shown to us. We are sinners, who deserve death, because sin = death. BUT! The atoning sacrifice of Jesus allows us instead to be transformed and made new creations. Cleansed. The Creator of the universe is waiting for His children to return! We need to SPEAK UP! Let the world know that there is another way to live, than being lost and finding pleasure in temporary happiness!

One of my friends were having a birthday celebration and she apologized profusely for not inviting me. I didn’t ask why, but I didn’t need to. She said that her mum asked if she was sure she wanted to invite me. My friend had said yes of course, but her mum pointed out the fact that I was asian and maybe she shouldn’t invite me. That was probably the only time I’ve ever been excluded just because of my race (that I can remember). It was many years ago, but I recall it like it was yesterday. Racism isn’t nice. I am surprised looking back, that I didn’t go into full hate-mode afterwards. I accepted it and went on with my life. But, this kind of exclusion could lead go damaging effects, and I urge children and parents alike to set the GOOD and LOVING example! Stop this poisonous thinking.

God is still chiseling my heart. There is much that I’ve yet to let go of. Many things I think about, but would dare not speak. I know it takes time. Especially with pain and scars. Those things take time. And I’m okay with that, because as long as I’m breathing, I have time. If He grants it, then I’m still here. He will refine me for the rest of my life and that is OK. I am beginning to see the horizon… though the darkness comes, the sun will always shine again. This light is stronger than darkness. I won’t be okay all the time, and that’s OK. My God is here!

It’s like that feeling again… of stepping out alone. Like when I ‘left’ the Catholic church, where all my family/family friends were. I stepped out alone. Into what God had planned for me; He met me where I was and I found myself experiencing the most intense moments of realization ever. And now I’m here. Facing a cross-road. I am scared to the core of stepping out again. A year ago, I was to make quite a big decision. And now, here I am twiddling my thumbs over this… this seems like such a big “risk” to take. A decision to change the whole course of my life. 19 years old, and already feeling like a life-crises is dawning. A change is coming. Potentially. Please pray for me, guys!

The reason why I could not keep my focus on you for long was because I recognized the reflection in your eyes. It was all too familiar and I didn’t know how to respond. I’ve seen that look. Felt that look. The emptiness, the confusion, drowsiness and the way everything around you seemed to move in slow-motion. Then, the realization of how the alcohol is hitting you. That’s what I saw when I looked at you. Not the way you speak but the way your eyes screamed. The reflection was of me. That’s how I knew who you were. You were just like me, in my moments of loss and despair. In my moments of careless “fun”. That’s when it dawned on me. This is exactly what it means to be saved and run back into the burning house to save others. To recognize the need in this world and to show them the light, like someone showed me the light of Christ. A lighthouse. A beacon of hope. The pointing-finger toward Jesus. I saw all that, in the mirror of your eyes.

Looking back… I was strong-willed, but pressed so far that I felt my only option was to give in. To give up and accept the treatment I got. To accept the fact that I had no other way out. Not from God, and not from anyone in my life at the time. I felt I was destined to be a sinner, to fall into the hands that did not love me or respect me. To be watched by eyes that regarded me as meat and a toy to play with. At first, it was the attachment or attention or the anger that became my motive. Next thing I know, I’m stuck in a world of lust and coercion and worthlessness. I was lied to and I believed them like empty words mattered. I knew which way went where, but the persistence and bondage I was in did not ever let me go. I did not have enough strength on my own to win the battle, let alone the war. Each fight wore me out and I couldn’t do it anymore. I’m so happy it’s all over though! God has shown me mercy, and given me rest. No more, will I be ever so thirsty. Never have I been so far - He looks for the lost sheep and brings them back to safety. Thank you Jesus! 

I imagine walking into my future home through one black/nude coloured security door, then a thick glass-pane door. A carved door-handle made before I could utter my first word. Then vintage flooring with a red-hint rug and a mirror in the middle of the hallway - gold-brass finish. A spacious, modern kitchen, and large beams supporting the lounge ceiling. A comforfable sized television and a sofa you can relax in. Perhaps four or five bedrooms total, with a sun-room for painting and drawing projects. Maybe Ikea-inspired furnishing too? A fridge with magnets attached to children’s artwork, possibly framed around the house too. Bill reminders. Birthday reminders. Dinner reservations. Vacation bookings and hotel destinations! Maybe even a ring on my finger, or busy with adoption papers to sort through - if I am destined to stay single. A touch of colour and a whole lot of love! That’s how I imagine it.