Questioning my faith.
You know what I miss? My old home-church. I miss the animation in the beginning that says, “We’re glad you’re here!” and I miss the vibrant hearts and tear-shedding worships. I think about attending the events and services. I think about wanting to sit in the back so I’m not recognized or approached by anyone. My biggest fear? Is being loved on in such a Godly way that it may bring me to tears. I’m afraid of being taken seriously when it comes to burdens and I’m afraid to let go of this makeshift empire I’ve built for myself called “denial” and “relying on myself”. Don’t get me wrong, I am rather content with how life is. I am so, so thankful how things have turned out. But I know I have been eternally changed and let me tell you, it has been at least two full years of me being away from God and on the odd occasion: trying to be closer. Two years. More than once, this question crosses my mind: is this worth it? I want to let go. I want to hold on tighter. Where am I supposed to be? How will I let this Amazing Love in?
I was pondering life again. Thinking about trust and vulnerability. Then it hit me: there is no way I’m ready to be “that” kind of vulnerable. I’m not ready to let someone in and risk them telling me my thoughts don’t matter. To potentially be with someone/people who take advantage of my vulnerability. To be broken from promises not kept or worrying hours on end because I can’t give enough of myself to that person. I have many flaws and of them, include my naiive ability; placing myself in very vulnerable situations that have ended catastrophically. I have blamed people for my mistakes, but it’s time to take responsibility for my actions. Why am I so impatient? And yet, now, I look around… God has blessed me with people who love me, time after time. I was sitting in my room, crying about how everything has worked out. Through all this, He stood beside me, giving me a vision of all the people in my life that I can truly trust. He said, “See? Look! This is all for you. I know where you have been and I know where you will choose to go.” He smiles, marveling at these people made in His image. Turning to me, a smile from ear-to-ear appears on His face and He says, “Isn’t it so cool?”
It is cool. To have people you can trust. To know that there is a God who loves me this much to bless me, though I may run around trying to prove I’m okay on my own. It’s cool to know that there really is goodness in this world. What’s cooler, is knowing and experiencing the Creator of the universe, involved and in-tune with the itty-bitty details of my life. Every little thing (good and bad) - none of it escapes His sight. Ladies and gentlemen, this is love.
I believe in God because I’ve experienced His love. Especially in the moments I was sure I hated Him… He still showed up. I don’t believe because someone spoke to me constantly about what I should believe. God allowed me to step out onto the water and walk with Him - if I chose to put my faith in Him. It was a choice. People have left and I’ve walked away… but this love, never leaves. Never.
The way of the Master
It’s like… throughout our lives we try to be the centre of attention. Be the drunkest, loudest, the biggest dare-devil, the funniest clown or the top in the class. Always trying to be the best in some way. And yet, we have a God that puts a show on for us every single day. With the rising of the sun. With a roof over our head. With a bed to laze around in. With a computer/laptop to blog. With eyes to read this post… it’s like we’re gallivanting about trying to be the best, trying to impress and God whispers, “My child, look around.. This is all for you.” From the people who bring enrichment and joy to the people who challenge us to grow. We are blessed beyond imagination and beyond comprehension. We have such carnal thoughts and selfish desires that hurt others - yet He blesses us with so much more than we could have ever thought possible. Even now, I can hear Him tying this whole post into the fact that, “You see? I love you. This is all for you, child. You always think you’re not good enough yet look around you!” SO MUCH LOVE CANNOT BE CONTAIIIINNNNEED! Love pouring out forever, unending. My God is an awesome God.
You got this. And even if you don’t, God’s got you.